I Choose You

Axl in the womb!

I loved you before you were even conceived. We wanted a little boy so much and we just knew your were going to be the most perfect little boy. When you entered this world in the early morning hours on November 23, all my fears, insecurities and anxieties came rushing in. But I also felt a depth of love that I never knew was possible. I knew I was going to love and adore you but I had no idea how vast and infinite love could possibly be until our eyes met. 

September 2009

Never in my life had a felt the presence of God so strongly until that moment you were born. All the mysteries of God and a higher power were proven instantly when I laid eyes on you. Giving life to someone is truly miraculous. You were created out of love, grew inside my body for 9 months and came into this world with everything perfectly in place, with ten fingers and ten toes, all with perfect little fingernails on the tips, with two ears that already knew how to hear, two blue eyes to stare into mine, and a perfect little mouth that already knew how to suckle and feed yourself. 

Our first picture together 11/23/09                                                                                                 

I was so emotional those first few days after you were born. A few of the nurses had sat down next to me on the bed, put their arm around me, and tell me that if I have post-partum depression I need to get help because I might hurt my baby.  I assured them, I'm not depressed, I'm so very, very happy! I was bubbling over with love and joy like I've never felt it before. And probably a lot of fear.  This quote really resonates with me now and makes me think that deep down I knew there were consequences to loving someone so much.   "Every time we make the decision to love someone, we open ourselves to great suffering, because those we most love cause us not only great joy but also great pain. The greatest pain comes from leaving…the pain of the leaving can tear us apart."  (Henri Nouwen)   All that we love will leave us at some point and inevitably cause us great pain; only God knows when our time together will end.

The love of my life 

Axl, we used to hold you all day long. Literally, the entire day. You refused to sleep at night and, against my better judgement, I just laid you on my chest and we slept heart to heart every night for several months.  I held you while I fed you and then stared at your dreamy face as you slept in my arms until you woke up and I fed you again.  I felt like I was "wasting my time" because I should have been doing chores or resting while you slept but I couldn't bear to put you down.  Even when you were a few months old, you wanted to be held while you were awake so we did that too. I strapped you into a baby bjorn and cooked dinner, did dishes, laundry, danced with you and I never had to put you down.

I had big dreams for you live out my never-realized dream of learning to play the guitar.  I would hold your delicate hands and admire your long fingers and insist you were going to be a baby savant and learn the piano, guitar and any other instrument you picked up.  Your dad once said to me when you were a few months old, "How disappointed will you be if he doesn't want to play an instrument?" I said, "Oh I don't care about that! He's already surpassed all my expectations. There's nothing he can do to make me prouder than I already am."  At just a few months old, you had already fulfilled all my hopes and dreams of what it was going to be like to be your mom. You gave my life direction and a reason to wake up every day. Not only did I experience a love for you that I never knew was possible but the love you gave me was so pure, without any expectations or conditions. 

And now that I'm living with the worst pain imaginable after losing you, I know it's only because we loved each other so much. I know my life would have been empty without ever having you in it. It was a blessing straight from God to have had you in my life and some people never have someone so great that they mourn do deeply when they are gone. 

So if I had the choice to do it all over again and have my child in my life for only 12.5 years and then live the rest of my life with the open wound of a broken heart, I would still choose you. A million times over, I would choose to know your perfect, angelic face and sweet soul over not ever having known such an amazing person could exist. I would choose this absence of your existence rather than wondering what my son would have been like, if I'd ever had a son. We are all going to die and we can't take anything or anyone with us when we go. The only thing that will remain in our souls is the love we have.  Axl, my love for you will never die. 

Our last picture together- 5/30/22

"Still, if we want to avoid the suffering of leaving, we will never experience the joy of loving. And love is stronger than fear, life stronger than death, hope stronger than despair. We have to trust that the risk of loving is always worth taking.” (Henri Nouwen)