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I Choose You

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Axl in the womb! I loved you before you were even conceived. We wanted a little boy so much and we just knew your were going to be the most perfect little boy. When you entered this world in the early morning hours on November 23, all my fears, insecurities and anxieties came rushing in. But I also felt a depth of love that I never knew was possible. I knew I was going to love and adore you but I had no idea how vast and infinite love could possibly be until our eyes met.  September 2009 Never in my life had a felt the presence of God so strongly until that moment you were born. All the mysteries of God and a higher power were proven instantly when I laid eyes on you. Giving life to someone is truly miraculous. You were created out of love, grew inside my body for 9 months and came into this world with everything perfectly in place, with ten fingers and ten toes, all with perfect little fingernails on the tips, with two ears that already knew how to hear, two blue eyes to stare int...
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Back to School Blues

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 It's back to school time for Layla and back to a regular scheduled bedtime and morning routine.  But I miss tucking in Axl at night and listening to him say, "I want you to wake me up tomorrow and pick out my clothes." And I would respond, "I always do, Bud."  And then he'd say, "Wake me up way too early- before Layla gets up and wake me up with the pups."  "Night, Bud, I love you."  "I'm going to dream about you and Hunty!"  "I'm going to dream about you too, Buddy."   When the morning came, I would only hold up half of my end of the bargain. I'd wake him up (with the pups) and pick out his clothes but never before Layla got up. And most mornings, he'd take the clothes I picked out for him (by request) and aggressively throw them in the dirty clothes hamper and then choose his own clothes. It was a sort of game we played just about every night and every morning during that last school year of his life...
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Sort of Like Twins

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 Layla was born 16 months after Axl and after a few years of being the "little sister" they morphed into something like twins. They were the same size from about the age of 2/3 - 6/7 before she surpassed his height and has been the taller one ever since. They reached some milestones at the same time- they got potty trained together, they transitioned from crib to big bed (Axl) and from bassinet to crib (Layla) at the same time. When Layla outgrew her crib, they transitioned into bunk beds together but neither wanted to sleep on the top so they chose to share the bottom bunk. They attended a Montessori school that had the preschool, pre-k and Kindergarden class all together so they both were learning a lot of the same things together. I'll never forget the day they came home from school and Layla was reading books on her own and helping Axl to sound out the letters of the words. Obviously, Axl was walking first because Layla was just an infant. But for a long time, he pref...
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Our Truck

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I recently traded in my Toyota Tundra for a Toyota Highlander. Although I had been considering trading in the truck for something smaller and more fuel efficient for quite awhile, it seemed very drastic and sudden at the time. I found myself getting emotional while at the dealership, finalizing the paperwork. I kept thinking about Axl and getting rid of my truck felt like I was officially beginning this new chapter of my life- my life without my son. We shared a lot of great memories in that vehicle. Axl loved cars and every type of vehicle so these memories are so bittersweet.  A few weeks after I got the Tundra, we took Axl & Layla on their first camping trip- just a short road trip to a wedding camp-out in Kentucky. It was an unseasonably cold weekend in May but we arrived and set up our tents. Axl & I slept in a tent in the back of the truck and Layla and Dave slept in a tent on the ground. We had dinner and enjoyed the live music and when it got late, the kids were snu...
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What We Should Be Doing

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Seven months ago my beautiful boy left this earth and my world is forever changed. It has been 7 long months since I've seen his smile and heard his laughter or felt his arm hooked inside mine.  If you would have told me a year ago that I would lose a child and I'd still be standing here, living my life, going to work, taking care of my family, seeing friends, I would have said no way. In fact, the day he died, I wailed in disbelief and said "I want to die." How could I go on living without my son?  But I'm still here. I continue to find beauty and joy in this life although my heart is completely shattered. I continue to make plans for the future with my remaining family, although there's a huge gaping hole where my son once was.  So many people say to me "thinking of you during the holidays" and "the holidays are going to be so difficult for you all."   And I have to say- the holidays are not difficult. I mean, every day is difficult. Ever...
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Our Journey with Epilepsy

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 Epilepsy entered our life just over six years ago when my son, Axl, had a tonic clonic (grand mal) seizure in his sleep. It was early Friday morning, on Labor Day weekend and six-year old Axl had climbed into our bed at some point in the night. I woke up suddenly to feel his small body shaking violently alongside me. I flipped on the light and knew it had to be a seizure, although I'd never before seen someone have a seizure. He was grinding his teeth, making a strange guttural sound in his throat that I've never heard him make. His eyes were shut but his lids were flickering and his whole body was jerking rigidly.  While I explained to the 911 operator what was happening, I thought I was losing him. At the time, I didn't know you could actually die from a seizure but I didn't know what was happening or when it would stop. It was so painful to watch my child seize and I felt utterly helpless.  By the time the EMT's had carried him down to the ambulance, he was slow...
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