Back to School Blues

 It's back to school time for Layla and back to a regular scheduled bedtime and morning routine.  But I miss tucking in Axl at night and listening to him say, "I want you to wake me up tomorrow and pick out my clothes." And I would respond, "I always do, Bud."  And then he'd say, "Wake me up way too early- before Layla gets up and wake me up with the pups."  "Night, Bud, I love you."  "I'm going to dream about you and Hunty!"  "I'm going to dream about you too, Buddy."  

When the morning came, I would only hold up half of my end of the bargain. I'd wake him up (with the pups) and pick out his clothes but never before Layla got up. And most mornings, he'd take the clothes I picked out for him (by request) and aggressively throw them in the dirty clothes hamper and then choose his own clothes. It was a sort of game we played just about every night and every morning during that last school year of his life. 

Axl's last school year, his 6th grade year, was the best school year he had ever had. He woke up every day excited to go to school which was a drastic improvement from years past. He loved his teachers and was thriving with the structure and routine of his classroom environment. I finally felt like he had teachers who understood him, cherished his uniqueness and wanted to work with him to be the best he could be.  It made me so proud when they had referred to him a leader in the classroom.  I had a lot of uncertainty about his future but I finally felt acceptance for whatever the future might hold for him. Acceptance that he may never be able to be left home alone or be independent and that was okay. 

Axl's first 1st Day of School
September 2013

Axl's last 1st Day of School
August 2021

If you look carefully at the above picture of his first day of preschool, you can see that his eyes are red-rimmed from crying. He was not excited to start school. He cried every day and begged not to go for at least the first 3 months. School was very challenging for him and he didn't enjoy it very much. It wasn't until we found Skyward Academy in his 5th grade year that I finally felt we found a great educational environment for him.  He attended Skyward for 2 years and Miss Taylor was his teacher both years. In fact, towards the end of his 6th grade year, when I woke him up for school, instead of saying, "I was dreaming about you and Hunty." He would say, "I was dreaming about Miss Taylor!"  

Towards the end of Axl's 6th grade year (his last year), he dreaded 3-day weekends. He just wanted to go back to school as quickly as possible. The end of his school year was approaching and the last day was a Thursday. He did not want the school year to end and was helplessly hoping it was just ending for a long weekend. He kept asking if he would be going back to school on Monday. I told him, "No, Monday is a holiday."  So then he started saying, "I'm going back to school on Tuesday." And I would tell him, "No, it's summer break." But he kept insisting he was going back to school on Tuesday.  It was early on that Tuesday morning that Axl left us. I've read that the afterlife is a lot like school.   It's a place of eternal discovery and learning. And I can't help but wonder if Axl also knew that.  After his long weekend, by Tuesday he would certainly be ready to get back to his education, growth and creativity.  Afterall, the end of life on earth is merely a halfway point because life continues after this.  

It is now Layla's second time going back to his school without her brother and it feels even harder this year. We've lived through 5 full seasons without him but it felt like getting through that first year was some sort of goal that kept us on track.  It was as if each "first" without Axl we were checking a box, like there was some sort of promise of peace we were working toward, some sort of bereavement achievement award. Now that we've survived an entire year of holidays, birthdays, summer vacations, mundane rainy days, school days and weekend days, it just feels worse. I didn't actually think that after a year, this would all be easier.  But there have been days I thought I'd never survive, shouldn't have to and didn't want to but I did. So I felt like knowing that I've survived all of that, this year would be a little easier.  I knew that celebrating his birthday without him on this earth would be hard.  But we did it and it was special. We had to make it a special celebration because I know how much Axl loved birthdays and my love for him is more important than my sadness of the absence of him.  I also knew that experiencing Christmas without him would be hard. And it was. But Axl loves Christmas and so do I.  And Halloween, Easter, Mother's Day and family birthdays were all hard.  And MLK Day and Presidents Day were also difficult because I always took off work those days and we would do something fun. Those were all hard. And I am proud of how well we've all handled this first year. I survived his death and that was the day I thought would never end. I've survived an entire year, plus 3 months without him and I'm proud of how I've been able to resume some sort of normalcy, even though the light of my life is forever missing.  I'm proud and I know I should feel stronger knowing that an entire year has gone by and I'm still standing. But the thought of living the rest of my life without my only son is daunting. How much longer am I going to live? Four hundred and fifty one pain-filled days have actually gone by pretty fast. But how can I live thirty or forty more years without my beloved son? 

Although I worried a lot about Axl's future, I never imagined that he wouldn't have one. As I sit here, looking at all the pictures of middle-school boys going back to school and cry with sadness for the loss of all that Axl was and for the future Axl who I will never know, I'm still excited for a new school year for Layla. She has a bright future ahead and she can achieve anything.  She has had to endure the heartbreaking loss of her brother, her first best friend and playmate during what is already an emotional and confusing tween year, yet she is still growing, learning, trying new things working hard and smiling.  She even made some new school year resolutions. 

I have read that grief is mostly sad memories but nostalgia is both sad and happy memories. So my back-to-school resolution is to move from grief to nostalgia so I can begin heal to and Axl can continue learning and thriving in that great big school in the sky as he waits for us to join him.

Layla's last 1st day of school with Axl
2021

One of my favorites! Axl's first day of Pre-K, Layla's first day of preschool, 2014

First day of Kindergarten, 2015
I love his expression 💖